Mark Agnew
Training for the Northwest Passage. Photo: George Hopkins
How I know I've re-found my intrinsic drivers
I have spent the last two years interviewing leading psychologists and introspectively asking myself "Why do I do adventures?"
I had come to value records and races. I was driven by winning and getting my name in the Guinness Book of Records. I'd forgotten why I'd first got into adventuring.
My initial motivations were having an immersive experience in wilderness and also building bonds through those experiences. I'd forgotten these motivations and become utterly focused on the binary outcomes of winning and losing.
The issue with focusing on the result was there was no grey area. When I did fail, there was nothing positive to draw on. My focus had become binary and so had my self-worth. When I failed to row across the Atlantic, for example, I was crushed.
Re-finding my intrinsic motivations of relationships and discovery (which I based on the work of sport psychologists Kitrina Douglas and David Careless) freed me from failure. If I did not achieve the intended outcome, I could still judge success on my own terms as long as I had an immersive experience and/or built relationships.
It was liberating.
It is easy to say "I value these intrinsic values over and above the extrinsic outcomes" but it is harder to feel them, truly as your core drivers. This week, I had my first test to know what was my genuine motivation for adventures - was I really lying to myself and I was actually still hook on extrinsic performance?
Falling in love with Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh
This summer, I was supposed to be attempting to row the Northwest Passage. If successful, we'd be the first people to do it under human power without a sail or motor, and we'd be in the Guinness Book of Records. But, our captain has decided to postpone the adventure to next year.
Another team is attempting to kayak the Northwest Passage - if they succeed, they will be the first to do it under human power alone (we'll still be the first to row it, but it doesn't have the same ring to it).
I'm happy to say, I was not as disappointed as I'd expected. If this had happened two years ago, I would have been crushed. I would have certainly have cried. I would have felt like whenever I try and do an big expedition, something or someone outside my control ruins it before it starts.
But now, if my motivations are relationships and discovery, then I can do that anywhere. I do not need the record to still derive enjoyment from the adventure. We still have a boat and may do another adventure instead in the meantime, such as rowing from Iceland to Nuuk. In terms of experience, and not outcome, I can get what I want from either the Northwest Passage, Iceland-Nuuk or something else entirely.
The extrinsic performance is still important to me. The big lofty goal of achieving a record or world first is a shared goal. Therefore, that shared effort adds to the relationships.
I don't just want to row in a circle and pretend it builds the same relationships and experiences as setting a difficult goal of travelling from A to B. So, I'll never truly let go of chasing records or extrinsic challenges, but the extrinsic goal is now a means to an end and not the end itself.
I passed my first test. My intrinsic motivations have freed me to enjoy the journey, not the destination.